I recently had a crush.
It was short-lived because I have a habit of not wanting what I cannot have.
I wish I could be one of those people who holds onto unrequited love for months, even years. I think there is something about the discipline of wanting something that can never be yours. I am unsure what part of my nature makes me recoil once it becomes clear that my desire will never be mine.
I wrote this letter to the desire of my wanting.
…..
“I love you” is all I wanted to say.
How hard is that to hear?
I used to be riddled with fear. I used to be scared to admit my feelings, but for once I felt safe too. Perhaps it’s because you were my friend, or perhaps I have grown more than I care to admit, or perhaps it was your soft nature.
I think it could be me.
Love changes you, or its work is not complete- and love changed me. Although this did not make you think of me as any sweeter. You did not want to savour my taste- it made me feel bitter and isolated.
I knew I was delicious. I knew you could become a fiend for me. How confident I was in my abilities to hunt you- to chase- to bring you into the throes of my love. But I did not want you to be under my claws, because you had the softest skin I had ever met. Under my grip, I would hold you until you begged for release- how much pleasure that would give me.
I wanted you to be happy, with or without me.
Surrendering to my feelings made me feel like a god- capable of anything I set my will to. A creator of truth. A garden of endless desire.
I was your friend, but I wanted to kiss down your neck- down your chest- until you moaned and begged for rest.
Was my desire sacred? I cannot tell you now, it’s faded like the clouds I adore so much. I no longer crave your touch.
I romanticised you because I wanted to be kind and sweet, without biting, without clinging to you with desperate need. How selfish of me.
Loving you made me sweet, as it was meant to do.
You are human, and so am I- but gods want relentlessly. Gods stay close because humans give us what we need.
What I needed from you was a pleasure that would help me see.
I had changed and grown more than I wished to believe.
Love always,
Day Eve